


What does it mean to win?

by Tanrei



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Asano Gakushuu is in Class 3-E, Dysfunctional Family, Father-Son Relationship, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-19 12:56:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29999685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanrei/pseuds/Tanrei
Summary: Gakushū was ready to do anything to defeat his father. So just like Ikeda he took his own life.
Relationships: Asano Gakuhou & Asano Gakushuu, Asano Gakuhou & Korosensei, Asano Gakushuu & Korosensei
Comments: 30
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

Gakushū only feared one thing. 

Disappointing his father. 

He absolutely couldn't bear the thought that he will never win with him. Losers were disappointment, expendable, worthless. He didn't want to be any of those things.

Not anymore. 

He had to win. Because winning meant that he was worth something. He wanted to become valuable. He needed his father approval. It was his life purpose to become what his father wanted him to be. 

A winner. 

He wanted to prove to him that he will win. No matter what. He will never settle with a status of a loser. He won't stop fighting to be at the top. 

That's what strength is, right?

That's what winning means, right? 

Winners look down on others and this way they will feel good about themselves, that's how they know they won. Because someone else lost. 

The worth of a person is something that can be seen only through eyes of other people. 

A person alone does not decide what's their worth is, it's a society, people surrounding them that always let them know what their place is. 

Until now Gakushū's place was always under his father’s shoe. 

Gakushū desperately needed to change it. 

He wanted his father to see. No, he would make him understand.

During his life Gakushū gained admiration from his peers and teachers. And yet - it didn't matter. He wanted approval from only one person and no one else.

The games he and his father played father always won, at the end. And Gakushū was there to deal with his own failure. 

He haven't realized when exactly he started to feel numb and tired of it all. 

Perhaps this tiredness who never passed no matter how much he slept has awaken some sort of desperation in him. 

He wanted to win. 

But how? 

And suddenly the answer was there, right in front of him. For so many years he was blind. 

Like a marionette, he let his father to control him, to tell him what to do to win. Desperately trying to fulfill father's unachievable expectations. Gakushū didn't see something that was right in front of him. 

The only way to win with his father was to prove him wrong. To take that perfectly crafted ideas of his, the pillars of his identity and crush them in one single punch. 

Of course that would require some sacrifices but Gakushū was ready. After all he has sacrificed all his life to please his father so he could as well sacrifice the rest of it to deal the final blow and enjoy the taste of victory, even if briefly. 

Gakushū was sitting in an empty classroom. The place where class E were studying. 

It was late afternoon so nobody would show up there at the moment. 

It was a perfect place to do what he needed to do because this class was the centre of his father's philosophy. 

A trap for the weak, the spot for those who are poor and deserving of contempt from a "smarter" and "stronger" members of society. 

Gakushū knew that this class once was a place when his father started his career as a teacher and this has shaped him to be a person he was today.

He was once a teacher that anyone would be happy to have. A kind and gentle person with strong desire to make sure his students succeed. 

Gakuhō methods has changed but a core desire remained. He deeply cared for his students. 

Gakushu's father would never forgive himself for letting his student Rikuto Ikeda die. 

Ikeda committed suicide. 

After it happened Gakushū has lost his warm and loving father, he was replaced by merciless monster. 

Ikeda's suicide broke Gakuhō Asano it made him believe that children need to learn how to survive in negative environment so they will be ready for the coldness of the outside world. 

At least this is what he believed. That this behaviour was for his student to become strong, independent and successful.

Gakushū also believed so for awhile. But recently his mind has changed. 

A thick shell that surrounded his father was something even he couldn't break despite doing everything what his father demanded of him, at some point Gakushū started to wonder if this belief his father had that he needs to be closed off, unapproachable and emotionless... 

Maybe it wasn't really for helping his students. Maybe it was Gakuhō who was weak, who needed to hide and be emotionally detached because clearly emotional attachment to his student caused him an unbearable pain. The loss he experienced changed him and through him it shaped life of his son, students and all people surrounding him. 

After what happened to that child the father Gakushū had has died as well. He was replaced by something hard to recognize. A monster. 

He wanted to yell at his father. He wanted to ask him "was this worth it?" Was taking his childhood away, taking his love away worth it all? His father wanted his son to be strong, strong enough to survive on his own. But what's the point of living without affection and kindness? Is it worth it? 

Has his father not understood that things that make people strong can also break them? 

To win with a monster you need to become a monster yourself. 

Perhaps this is why Gakushū found himself in this classroom. His hands were steady as he was holding the knife he took this morning from the kitchen. 

He pressed the blade against his left wrist and he felt a spark excitement as he broke a skin and he could feel the sharp, stinging pain of the edge of his skin. 

It bled. 

And it bled more.

With each cut more and more. 

As he was starting to feel like he was in a dream he picked up the phone to make one, last call. 

Father. He needed to tell him that he won. 

"What do you want?" Gakuhō answered after third signal. It was cold, detached of emotion voice. All that Gakushū have known since Ikeda died. 

Father's ultimate goal was to make Gakushū strong enough so he will never think of a choice Ikeda chose so many years ago. 

But the thing is... 

What if he did exactly what his father was so afraid of? 

Then father would realise that all his philosophy so far was a failure and it never guaranteed a safety and strength of his students. 

Without losers there is no winners. Showing his father that everything he believed in was a failure would make him a winner. 

He won. 

"I win" Gakushū said quietly and for the first time in many years he felt happy as consciousness was leaving his body.

———————  
I can continue this story, my first thought was to make this a failed suicide attempt but I’m uncertain about my writing skills. This is why I settled for writing the story as the one-shot with bad ending. If you’d like to see another part with Asano waking up in a hospital let me know.


	2. Chapter 2

"I win" 

This is the last words his son said to him. 

Gakuhō first instinct was to wonder what kind of desperate attention grabbing stunt his son had planned this time. 

He would never call himself a person who lacks imagination. 

And yet - he did not except this. 

He did not expect to get a call from Koro-Sensei informing him that his son is at the hospital. 

Gakushū said: "I win"

How can you win and get yourself at the hospital at the same time? 

Complete nonsense. 

The rest of the day was a blur. When he learned what his son injury was it felt like a ground is crumbling beneath his feet. 

No, Gakushū didn't win. But Gakuhō certainly lost. 

He re-lived once again the moment when he learned about Ikeda's death. The day when he was informed, the moment when he went to that bridge to watch the place where Ikeda decided that it's over. His funeral. 

For the first time in his life Gakuhō did not understand the word that was said to him. This people must have been speaking in foreign language because what they were saying to him couldn't be true. 

He did everything right this time. 

He made sure his son knows what hardship is and how to defeat it. He made sure to teach his child how weak people suffer so the failure is not an option. He made him a winner. 

He made him a winner. 

But what is... winning? 

Suicide after all in Gakuhō eyes were an ultimate failure. And he could not stand to see his student fail. So when Ikeda took his own life he know he has failed, and no victory in his life will conceal it. 

Did his son hated him so much? That he was ready to kill himself just to prove him wrong?

Did he even had the right to ask this question after he has failed another child? 

He was harsh on him, yes. For his own sake he thought. Now what? 

Now. What. 

"This is my fault" Gakuhō whispered. His voice trembling. His only son was lying on the hospital bed after he almost bleed out. Gakuhō was responsible for this, he could as well get a knife himself and make the cuts on his son's wrists, he knew well that his son did it because he wanted to defeat him. This is why the last thing he did was to call him. 

Call his heartless father. 

The heartless father of his was dealing now with pain in his chest so strong that he couldn't think straight. 

Koro-sensei was sitting right next to him, he knew better than to leave Gakuhō in this state. 

He did disagree with Gakuhō philosophy but it doesn't mean he didn't understand it or respected the difference of opinions. Besides he did had his own reason to feel guilty. 

Koro-sensei once told one of his students that he preferred him over having a student like Gakushū but maybe if he did want to have him as his student back then something would be different.

If he didn't just see him as a kid from that other class, the kid that was fortunate, the kid that didn't need help. Maybe if Koro-sensei would see him differently, Gakushu would be sitting healthy and happy in his classroom tomorrow, learning how to solve especially difficult math problem with enjoyment and curiosity of brilliant, young mind. 

Instead he found Gakushū bleeding out, staining old, wooden floor of his classroom with red droplets of his blood. 

If he didn't get back that day to school; what then? 

Koro-sensei couldn't help but think that it was more than one adult that has failed this kid. He blamed himself for not seeing that he was on the verge of snapping in a way he did. 

He was barely rescued. If Koro-sensei wasn't capable of performing first aid well and arriving at the hospital in the lighting speed they would be having a dead kid on their hands right now. 

Koro-sensei has few months to live and he almost had to attended a funeral of a child to whom he should be a figure to rely on. 

Yes, Gakushū wasn't in his class but it was on Gakushū shoulders to always figure out how to defeat Class E and behind the class E there was Kuro-Sensei teaching them how to defeat the opponents, how to be confident with their abilities and graceful in victory and failure.

Gakushū was not only fighting against his students and their strategy, he has also been fighting with him and his abilities. Because Kuro-Sensei wanted to always make sure that his students achieve victory in one way or the other, he was always standing behind them, guiding them. They didn't always have to be declared the winner, sometimes they just had to show what they can do and that was enough. It wasn't like that for Gakushū.

A child vs a teacher. That's unfair game. 

Koro-Sensei was making a mental note to read every book about suicidal behavior in children that he could find, something about depression and difficult parents as well. 

Right now it was important that Gakushū would wake up one day. As long as there was another day for him, he could receive help he needed. With that thought came motivation, hope and relief. There was still a chance. Koro-Sensei had still time to fix it. 

Speaking on fixing it. Gakuhō didn't said the word after the doctor announced that his son made an attempt on his own life. If Koro didn't help him to sit down he would probably drop on the floor like a lifeless doll. It seemed like Headmaster had a lot to process. 

He said that it was his fault. Was it? Did it matter? Koro-sensei needed to take him time before he dared to respond. He felt like his response right now would mean a lot so he needed to be careful with his words. 

"Asano-san as you know that my former profession was assassin. I have murdered many people with my own hands, thus a lot of deaths are indeed my fault and it is rather unquestionable truth" 

Koro-Sensei paused for a bit to gather his thoughts as he gave Gakuhō a moment to respond but he remained quiet. 

"I cannot give back what I have taken away. Perhaps this is why people have trouble with forgiving themselves and living without guilt after they see themselves as responsible for someone demise. However, I find it worthless to dwell on what I have done in the past if past has nothing to offer but to hold me back it's no use to stay there. Just how there's no need for you to think what would happened if you behaved differently towards Gakushū. What happened, happened. Think of where are you now, you still have a son he needs your help today, not yesterday, not few hours ago. Today. It doesn't matter what you said to him in the past it matters what you will say to him when he wakes up" 

"In normal circumstances I would find this lecture insulting" Gakuhō said dispassionately but hearing the yellow monster speak helped him to come back a little from reliving his own trauma. He continued "Koro-sensei without you here there would be no need for motivational speeches, only grief. Thank you for saving my son" his voice has trembled as he finished. He did not know how to deal with all the feelings he suddenly was experiencing. 

He was crying again. 

The moment he learned about his son suicide attempt it's like something exploded. A wall he has build, the wall that has been blocking every warm emotion he has felt to his son. They were so extremely strong but also something that Gakushō saw as a weakness. 

He loved his son so hard that he was afraid he would coddle him constantly, that he would - once again - send another child unprepared for a cruelty of the world, he always felt like he needed to destroy those needy sparks of love and affection that grew inside of him. Those feelings always wanted to take over his body and mind.

They wanted him to smile at Gakushū. 

Wanted him to tell Gakushū that he did well and that he is proud to be his father. 

He never listened. He was disciplined and determined to what he saw as his mission. But it was all bullshit. He was wrong. He was wrong about everything. Why was he giving that child demands that he knew were impossible to fulfill. Instead of praising his attempts and appreciating the talent, intelligence, stubbornness and perseverance his son was constantly displaying he was mocking him, telling him he's not enough, that he's weak and failing. 

Perhaps this was destined to happened. 

Because he was horrible father. 

Gakuhō worst fear, that he will get to see another child funeral... wasn't he pushing for this? Wasn't he the one who has created an environment where bullying, questioning persons worth and crushing the weak was encouraged? 

Didn't he want this? 

What did he want?

What did he really want every time he made Gakushū feel like a failure? He was telling himself repeatedly _I just want my son to have thick skin"_ but it wasn't the truth.

He wanted to push his son. He wanted to challenge him and make sure every day that he's not breaking. No matter how hard his pushing him, how cruel he is he wanted to make sure everyday that his son is enduring, continuing to live on, surviving. Unlike Ikeda. He was to endure AND survive. 

All the sense of security that this pushing has caused, the security that his son endures without breaking, that it is making him stronger not weaker is now gone. 

He has broke his son and now they were both broken. 

Maybe he should kill himself as well, he would if Gakushū had died. But he was alive and Gakuhō would had to figure out not only how to be a father but also how to be a human again. 

He would also need to stay away from children for a time being. He would hire someone to take his place as a headmaster. 

The school was never about earning money, if he needed money he had several way of getting as much of them as he needed. Yes, he was a genius but apparently an absolute idiot as well, strange combination.

He has always wanted to be a teacher. Even as headmaster he was always only interested in teaching his children how to do well in life. He wanted to shape the future generations. Despite his efficiency he didn't feel like he was ever doing a good job. Because no matter how many children has got to an Ivy League school after finishing education he provided Ikeda was still dead and Gakushū was still lying in bed, unconscious. 

Gakuhō wondered what's the extent of the damage he has done to his child mind as "I win" was the only think he could say when he was bleeding out, knowing well that something he saw as "victory" would result in the end of his life. 

If Gakushū wanted to punish him, make him feel defeated he did a splendid job but at what cost? How could he sacrifice his own life for something so... small. 

But was his approval small to his son? Obviously not. Obviously it had to mean everything. 

The goal Gakushū set before his son was simple. Be better than me, than anyone. 

Defeat your tormentor. 

Crush your enemy. 

Don't let him hurt you, if they try hurt them twice us much. Do not show weakness. 

That way you win; and when you win you get to see me acknowledging you as a winner. A person of worth. 

A fool. He has been an absolute fool.

———  
Hi guys, Thanks to your feedback the story tags has changed and I decided to continue writing. I’m not a native English speaker but I hope my grammar/vocabulary mistakes are something that can be overlooked, I’m doing my best and I just hoping I’m not embarrassing myself ^^”. Your comments gave me confidence to try to add another chapter. 

I hope you aren't disappointed that there was not Gakushū - Gakuhō interaction in this part. I felt like I needed to explain well what Gakushō is feeling after finding out. 

To be honest I wasn't pleased with the way Gakuhō arc was finished. I just wish there was more of realization from him that it is okay to be a loving parent and kind teacher instead of creepy, cold and emotionally detached. 

Anyways, if I will see there’s an interest for continuation of this story I might add another chapter.

Thank you once again for all the support it really means a lot.


	3. Chapter 3

When Gakushū woke up he was slightly confused and after then he realized that he is in pain and he is currently at hospital bed. 

He barely stopped himself from hysterical laughter that was ready to be let out in the air. He didn't want them to send him to psychiatric ward but to be honest he wasn't exactly sure where he was, maybe they already moved him to such place. 

So he failed again.

He woke up. 

He couldn't even die right. How humiliating. His father must be particularly pissed off at him. Will he start mocking him as soon as he shows up? Probably. 

Gakushū must have caused a lot of trouble to his father and oh the unblemished reputation of the perfect headmaster. 

What will the parents say when they will learn that headmaster's child tried to commit suicide? Oh the damage to Asano name, to the whole school. He wanted to roll his eyes. 

Gakushū knew how much his father valued his reputation and now he got to live another day, he really did not want to face the consequences of his actions though. The anger and hate in his father’s eyes as he will be undoubtedly express when they see each other again. He will tell Gakushū straight away what he thinks of him and his failure. 

It's the fear itself of a confrontation that would push Gakushū to repeat an attempt to off his worthless existence but unfortunately his hands was bound to the bed 

They bound his hands like he was a crazy person. 

He wasn't crazy. 

He knew exactly what he was doing and why. He was perfectly capable of making his own decisions. The problem was - the world didn't like the decision he made so for their own comfort they will try to force him to live. 

But living means confrontation with his father and he was not ready, he would never be ready because he failed again. 

It was suppose to be his finally victory, his goodbye. Gakushū felt tears streaming down his cheeks because apparently his body wanted to further embarrass him. 

This is when his father entered the room. 

They were staring at each other in uncomfortable silence. 

Gakushū was too panicked and hurt to say a word. Gakushō felt similarly but for different reason. 

They have both been afraid of each other right now. 

Gakushū turned his head toward the window and stubbornly stared at it, committed to avoiding his father gaze, he feared of a judgment and disgust he would find there but then his father said something that he would never in a million years think he would hear from him 

"I'm so sorry" 

Gakushū had to look at him now. Because he didn't expect this. His father said he is sorry? To him? Why?

What baffled him further was his father's eyes. They weren't hateful. He didn't look angry. Gakushū couldn't guess what emotions hide behind them but he never saw his father looking at him like that. It was almost... caring?

"Sorry for what?" Gakushū managed to ask. 

He needed answers. He hated not knowing something, he hated being unprepared or having trouble with understanding. At the moment he was neither prepared nor did he understood what was happening right now. His father behavior was something unexpected and he wasn't sure how to behave. 

"Sorry for pushing you" 

"I don't want your apologies" Gakushū said sharply and suddenly he felt anger bubbling in his stomach. So this is how it's going to go? His father will start to see him as a person so pitiful that he's not even worth to be challenged? He'd rather die then see this man feeling sorry for him. He was taught to never accept someone's pity, he was too prideful for letting - even his father - to go easy on him.

"Just act as you normally do" Gakushū ordered firmly. He needed his father to just be himself, it was something he knew how to react to. This whole "I'm sorry" and sad eyes ordeal was more confusing than anger, actually. 

He wanted it to stop. 

"I'm so sorry, son" Gakuhō repeated as if he didn’t understood what Gakushū just said right now. 

Did he just called him "son?" What was happening? Damnit why is he crying again. He can't even wipe his own tears. He could feel as gradually panic overtakes his body and he starts to struggle in his bonds. Was that his father strategy? Was that some sort of punishment? Why was he apologizing to him when it's Gakushū who couldn't do a single damn thing right. 

The nurses came running as he was trying to release himself from the bonds with more and more desperate moves. 

He couldn't stop crying. 

He couldn't breath. 

Why was his father saying sorry. 

He didn't want his apologies. 

It was his fault that he didn't win again. 

It was all his fault. 

—————

Hi guys, 

Here’s a small update. Let me know if you want me to write another chapter. How do you like this one? Is there anything you’d like me to write about?

Thank you for all the kudos and comments <3


	4. Chapter 4

When Gakushū woke up again he instantly knew that he is still cuffed to the bed.

He was tied up like a wild animal, that’s great.

This time his father wasn't in his room but it didn't mean he was alone. 

There was a yellow monster sitting next to his bed, knitting a violet scarf. 

What the fuck.

"Gakushū-kun I'm so happy you're awake! How are you feeling? I had some time so I decided to buy a knitting starter kit and guess what I have a yarn that is identical to your eye colour so I decided to knit something for you! My name is Korosensei I am class E homeroom teacher"

Gakushū just watched with disbelief as yellow-skinned creature was rambling some nonsense, has he lost it completely? What that yellow slug was doing in his room? 

What if it was this being that found him? Was that a big secret behind the class E? His father has hired a humanoid creature to teach those losers? 

Oh. 

So this is where his plan failed. 

Suddenly a realization hit him. 

Why would he decide to make E classroom a place for his suicide? There was simply too many people there that would stumble on his dead body. Yeah, sure some sort of symbolism for his father but he could just write down detailed letter or whatever how could he not know that someone will find him if he will get to that den of failures? He didn’t know about the monster, for his defence. 

However, this was still a big miscalculation on Gakushū part, the one that cost him. 

At first he hadn't realized that his fists are clenching in anger, until he felt Koro-Sensei hand touching his. Suddenly Koro-Sensei stared at him without a trace of previous lighthearted happiness, he watched him with serious expression. 

Gakushū felt exposed as never before. Before he could set himself free from this gaze Koro-Sensei started speaking. 

"Gakushū, I am the one who found you and brought you here. I am sorry that I failed to see how you’re suffering. If you'd ever need to talk with someone I am here”

“You have nothing to apologise for” Gakushū murmured looking away. He felt ashamed that Koro-Senei had to carry his unconscious body here. Plus it must have been covered in his blood, disgusting. 

“I also wanted to let you know that your father decided to transfer you to class E!” Koro-sensei came back to his happy persona. “Please take your time to recover, you don’t need to worry about your studies at all while recuperating I promise that when you’re back at school I and the whole class E will help you to catch up with everything so now just focus on yourself, alright?” 

Gakushū was really bothered to see how much Koro-Sensei _cared_. He understood why class E students seemed to be happy and well despite their shitty situation, it was because of that yellow creature. He however wasn’t really happy about entering the class of overly engaged teachers. Clearly people who cared too much had tendency to do too much, and doing too much lead to many difficult situations. 

"Awesome, just great" Gakushū said sarcastically. He was suddenly angry about the whole thing. 

This was his father response? A transfer to class E? He really hated this man. 

"Gakushū-kun I need you to understand that this transfer not a punishment. You didn't do anything wrong" Koro-sensei said gently "you see, your father wanted you to study under methods different than his. He was for too long responsible for your education and now he would like to focus on being your father, not a teacher to you. In class E I do things my way and perhaps the change of climate would be of some help to you that is when you are ready to come back" 

Bullshit. 

His father is probably done with him and needed an opportunity to get rid of him. 

"I didn't do anything wrong?" He repeated with hint of amusement. 

That’s interesting statement. 

He literally try to kill himself that was for sure bad, punishment-worthy crime in his father's eyes. 

What did Koro-Sensei even mean?

Never mind that, he had more pressing issues to take care of. 

"I am ready to come back to school. Actually, I need to go back as soon as possible. Midterm exams are in two weeks" he said.

"Your participation is not yet confirmed. Right now school isn’t important, you’re health is" Korosensei said gently 

No it isn't. 

That was ridiculous thing to say and Gakushū barely managed to stop himself from scoffing. 

"It is more important. Even if you don't believe me now. You must understand that I do things differently in my class and even if you come back if I see that you prioritize studying over your mental well-being you won't be allowed to take the exams either way."

"You can't do that" 

"Well what's the point of being a terrifying monster capable of destroying the planet if I can't stop a student from taking a few mid-terms?" Koro-sensei asked with feral smile, the color of his skin has now had a green strips and Gakushū wondered what that meant. He would probably found out sooner or later. 

Gakushu felt completely defeated at the moment so he changed the topic. He didn’t even know what was going on. He decided to ignore the “destroying the planet” part. It was just too surreal and he did not have time for this, absolutely not. Maybe it was a hallucination and he was completely insane. That was a possibility. 

"Do you know when are they planning to release me from here?” he asked in a weak voice. 

"To be discharged you need to pass psychological evaluation. Someone should show up to speak with you today” Korosensei explained. 

„Oh another good news I guess” Gakushū said sarcastically. He was not in a good mood right now.

Unfortunately for him, another person entered the room. 

"Good morning Gakushū, I'm Dr Ashina, the psychiatrist assigned to your case. If you feel well enough I would like us to talk" 

Well, fuck. 

As clinician entered the room and Korosensei said his quick goodbye.

Dr. Ashina sat down at the chair that was previously occupied by Korosensei and asked. 

“How you feeling, Gakushū-kun?”

“You're second person who asks me that today. It's annoying, just don’t.” First Korosensei, now her. He just want to be left alone, what a pain. 

“Is there any question you’d like me to ask you then? Maybe you have question for me?”

“No questions. I just want to go home” 

“Does it make you nervous that people worry about you, Gakushū?” 

Oh hell no. He needed to get out of this place quickly. 

“They're not worried about me” he gritted his teeth. 

“Oh, how so?”

“I- I don’t want to talk. I just want to be discharged” 

“This will be possible only after we talk I’m afraid” Dr. Ashina responded, her tone of voice was warm but firm. At the moment he didn’t see a pity in her eyes, thankfully. “Before we considering discharging you, we need make sure it is safe to let you out. Based on what you tell me I will create a treatment plan for you”

“I understand” 

Gakushū said in monotonous voice. Honestly he was tired. 

As expected - the psychological assessment was a complete nightmare. Clinician was asking him some tedious scripted questions to determine if he had a history of mental illness, he didn’t for the record. He was perfectly normal. 

He almost laughed when she asked him if he was previously using mental health services. He wondered how that conversation would have go with his lovely, very understanding father. 

She would ask him a questions like: 

“Have you ever thought about harming yourself before the incident?”

“No”

Maybe he visited the bridge Ikeda jumped from to think what would happen if he did so as well, but that was it. He had no intention to tell her that though. 

“Do you intend to hurt yourself?”

Did he? Possibly. Maybe? He didn’t know. But he knew what answer he needed to give her. 

“No” 

“Why classroom?”

“What?” 

“Why did you hurt yourself in the classroom, Gakushū” the clinician repeated the question 

“I was hoping someone will find me” Gakushū lied smoothly. That would make his case look better, right? It would make her think he didn’t really want to die. Maybe his stupidity could be of use now. 

“Have you planned this?”

“It was rather spontaneous of me” 

Lie. Nothing Gakushū did was spontaneous. Everything had to be calculated just as his father taught him. But he didn’t want that woman to know that. He didn’t want her to know anything about him. Whatever he did and why it was his and he would never open up to a stranger. Granted though in Gakushū world everyone was a stranger. 

He had no friends.

No one he could trust. 

He was alone. 

———-

Few hours earlier....

"Have your son ever displayed suicidal tendencies before?" Dr. Ashina asked. 

"If he did it escaped my attention, me and my son are not emotionally close he wouldn't see me as a person appropriate to share his problems with" Gakushō answered. 

"Does he have such a person? A friend that he would talk to about his feelings?"

"He has colleagues in school but I'm not sure if he's close to any of them" 

"Didn't he invite any of his friends home?"

Gakuhō took some time to answer to this one. He was rarely at home, almost never. He could always find a better things to do. At the same time he was aware that if Gakushū ever brought someone home their maid would let him know that there were a guests in their house. 

"No" 

"And what with his grades? Any problems?"

"His grades are perfect" 

They were. But Gakuhō would never let his son know that. Getting straight As was never a problem for his son.

"I see, then if you could take your guess. What caused his suicide attempt?"

Gakuhō almost winced at the word suicide. Almost. He needed to maintain his composure. 

“Me”

"How so?”

“I was a bad father” 

“What made you to believe so?”

“His suicide attempt” he looked at dr. Ashina with anger in his eyes. He really was as clear as a day, what did she wanted from him? 

Apparently she gave up on that topic because instead of trying to get to the bottom of what caused his guilt, she asked: 

“Have you considered family therapy?” 

“Never before it has occurred to me that I will need to ask for help with raising my son” Gakuhō admitted . 

"How do you feel about getting an outside help now?" 

"We need help" 

_Gakushū needs help_

_I need help_

—————  
Hi Guys, 

Thank you for all the comments, to be honest without them I wouldn’t even continue this story but it’s very inspiring to see that people are interested in my writing. It’s also kind of surreal as well, not gonna lie.

PS: I totally forgot that Gakushū shouldn’t know about Korosensei existence, I think the quick introduction will suffice, so sorry T.T 


	5. Chapter 5

The first week at home was shitty as hell.

What the world seemed to not understand is that Gakushū was fine. Not suicidal or mentally unstable. 

He was completely in control. 

His death was supposed to be just a side effect of his plan, not a direct result. A means to an end. Yeah, he was committed, determined, sue him. He was not a quitter. He was ready to sacrifice everything. 

It was a calculated decision to defeat his father, to kill his philosophy, to win, nothing more to it. 

Although he suspected that if hospital staff knew it was a premeditated attempt it wouldn't get him any favors in their eyes. So he lied about it.

Well, but despite failing at killing himself he at least succeeded in crushing his father's beliefs. It didn't make him happy as it should but was he satisfied? Yes. 

His father seemed to be in a deep state of shock at the moment. Gakushū wondered what will happen when he will snap out of it and come back to his normal self. 

He tried to change his father's philosophy, not his whole personality. He was used to him being a cold, bossy, emotionally detached bastard. He just wanted to prove that he's wrong. Now Gakuhō was just too quiet, way too quiet. 

However, as after several days of being kept at the hospital, he managed to come back home. Things were different, even space was different. 

For example, all sharp objects disappeared from the house or at least from Gakushū’s reach. 

There was also that annoying, constant presence of his father as he was taking a break from work which was shocking, Gakuhō wasn't the type to take the day off let alone just leave suddenly for god-knows how long. Not to mention the awkward meals and burning gaze on Gakushū’s back every time he excused himself to come back to his room and stay on his own for most of the day. 

The atmosphere in the house was suffocating. 

Despite his counselor’s worries, he had no plan at the moment to make another attempt on his life. Adults didn't seem to understand that destroying his father's philosophy was Gakushū's only motivation, there was nothing more to it, they were looking for something that wasn’t there. They wanted to talk about his feelings, they wanted him to open up. He would never. Being vulnerable wasn't an option. He wasn’t weak and he didn’t need help. 

———

They were going overboard, in Gakushū's humble opinion. 

For example, he was perfectly capable of being around sharp objects for fuck sake he wasn't a child. Besides, it's not like his father could've stopped him from the second attempt unless he was planning to lock him up in the hospital forever. 

Gakushū wasn't allowed to leave and he had three mandatory individual sessions with a psychologist or family therapy. He couldn't even go back to school so far. 

"You're not coming to work?"

"I'm on a break"

"I want to come back to school"

"You will"

"When"

"Soon"

That's how their conversations went during the first week out of the hospital. Gakushū hated this but he learned the hard way to always control his temper when he was around his father. He knew that the Headmaster hated when his decisions were being questioned. 

Because school was out of the picture all Gakusū could focus on his studies for midterm exams, stuck in his room, alone with his thoughts. 

Gakushū had no idea what to do during his free time, except to review things that he already knew. He had no other hobbies, no other form of “entertainment” other than studying but as of late he did suffer from a focus problem, he often found himself ruminating over the recent events which made him desperate to leave the house soon. 

Father for most of the time ignored him. At least that hasn’t changed much. 

The chance to go back to the school appeared suddenly when his father got a call from his replacement. Gakushū was informed that on Monday the Headmaster will be coming back to school to solve a situation that requires his presence. Gakushū didn't care about the details, he cared about the potential opportunity to get out out of the house. 

It was Gakushū’s chance. 

His way out.

———-

Karasuma found Koro-sensei in the teacher's lounge. There were impressive stacks of books on his desk. Karasuma picked the one that was on top of the pile and read its title: _Child and Adolescent Suicidal Behavior School-Based Prevention, Assessment, and Intervention_.

Suddenly everything clicked in place, so this was the reason.

"I take that this reading choice of yours has something to do with the blood I had to get rid of?" Karasuma said, "Is it also connected with Gakushu's absence from school?" 

Korosensei asked Karasuma to clean the classroom as soon as got help for Gakushū. However after letting doctors do their job he had to stay at the hospital at first to find out if his student will survive and later to keep the Headmaster’s company as he was very shaken by what happened. 

Korosensei simply did not want to take a risk of any student stumbling upon this troubling image. His children had enough on their plates without the trauma that came with witnessing the large amount of blood being spilled all over the place that was suppose to be safe heaven for them. 

Unfortunately as many things has been happening he didn't have a chance to fully explain to Karasuma what had occurred in the classroom and Karasuma was kind enough to give him a time he needed.

“It was Gakushū Asano’s blood. Unfortunately, he has chosen to end his life. After I found him and took him to the hospital, where he was rescued. His motivations are not fully clear to me, why he did it or why our classroom was a place he picked, although I think we will learn about his motives in due time" Korosensei responded turning his attention from the book to his colleague. 

"People die when I don't pay attention, responsibility comes with the job, the job that I failed at, apparently” Karasuma said bitterly. 

"I completely sympathize with your feelings about the situation. However, there's still a lot we can do for Asano-kun, he is alright at least physically and he was recently released from the hospital. Oh, and he is also an E class student now"

What?

"That's Asano's response? Send the kid to the assassination classroom full of weapons?" Karasuma said with anger visible in his voice. What that complete douchebag was thinking? He wanted to punch him in stupid face and dirt that way too expensive suit of his. "Do you think Asano just gave up on that kid? I don't mind finding a reason to arrest him if this is another game of his that will endanger the kid's life on purpose" 

"On what grounds would you have him arrested?" Korosensei asked with amusement 

"I would figure something out" Karasuma responded with confidence. 

That's right. Emotional abuse might be harder to prove but it wasn't impossible and when Karasuma felt committed, he was quite a capable investigator. He should've paid more attention to the headmaster's action his whole ideology of running this school was borderline sociopathic behavior.

"I don't think the Headmaster is trying to taunt Gakushū to harm himself again. I think the Headmaster is terrified for his son. He wants to remove him from the toxic environment that caused the breakdown"

"So he should remove himself from Gakushū’s presence" Karasuma stated coldly. 

It was very unlike Karasuma to be anything than professional and keep his personal feelings at bay but it appeared that everyone has their limits for Karasuma the limit of his patience was reached when he had scrape the floor out of dried blood of 15 years old kid.

“This situation had a big impact on the Headmaster. He has absolute power about everything that's happening in this school with an exception of class E and he left Asano-kun to us, that means something Karasuma and it is not a bad move, neither it is done with malice, I believe. He decided to trust us, I think paradoxically this will be the safest place for Asano-kun. Going back to the old environment could force him into repeating the pattern of behavior that ultimately led to him to become a danger to himself. The headmaster is in shock, he needs time to figure out how he wants to proceed with things"

"For the record - Every time that guy speaks about his philosophy I want to punch him in the face cynical heartless bastard. Next time I see him I might actually stop holding back"

"He took a calculated risk. Children after this school happen to be very successful in adult  
life, statistics are quite impressive" Korosensei responded

"And what happens to those who this school break?"

"I think this situation forced the Headmaster to ask himself the same question. Very much needed question indeed"

"It didn't matter to him before though. His whole ideology is based on the idea that the small percent of kids stays at the bottom. He allowed the environment when they're mistreated and alienated and now he wants to put his suicidal son in the bottom ranks? I don't like this and I don't trust him. But I will trust your judgment, I just need to know how should we act towards the kid"

"Treat him like you would any other student I think that's the best what we can do for him now"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look I learned how to add endnotes 💀 
> 
> Anyways, I am so sorry there were no class E and Gakushū interactions yet, I promise we’re getting there (next chapter if I will be emotionally capable to do proofreading which drains me tf out. Thank you for putting up with my pitiful English). 
> 
> Please let me know what you think about this chapter! I love to read your comments and they actually give a confidnece & motivation to continue writing this story, I'm very thankful for everyone who willingly take their time to write something to me <3


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